My Big Blue Monster

Usually today is the day I’d post my “Seven Songs to Save Your Life” post of the week. Unfortunately, this week, my Big Blue Monster is in town, so I haven’t felt saved. He sits on my chest whispering that it’s time to quit. He’s big, chubby, and quiet. He’s not even mean, and I don’t think he wants me to stay in bed. He just gives me all the reasons I can and should. He ultimately moves, but not without a lot of pushing and prodding from me. Then he chains himself to my arms and legs, because he doesn’t like being lonely. He walks slowly, so when he’s in town, I walk down my steps one at a time and getting to the corner feels like an eternity.

Herry Monster, whyyyyyyyyyy?

I deal not only with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but difficult memories that come with autumn. Add the stress of back-to-school time, and I’m typically a wreck from October until my birthday. I know the drill. That doesn’t make the road easier. I just know I can live through it, like I have for two decades of autumns.

For me, meds have not been particularly successful. Earlier this year, I took one drug that came with suicidal ideation. That was fun. Not reacting to the things that you think will help is an added stressor. I’m also fat, and doctors are less inclined to help fat people. (I wrote about learning that the hard way during a depressive episode here.)

It is not easy and it’s admittedly more difficult with age. So I’ve slowed everything down (or stopped in spots). I’m being an ungracious host to get myself well. I can’t stop my Big Blue Monster from showing up, but I sure can make conditions unfavorable so that he can get his ass up out of here.



My clunky Dell computer, the one that took up so much room when I packed it the year before, would stay behind. “I’m getting right back on the road Tuesday.” My tiny car couldn’t spare the space for what would ultimately be a round trip. When I locked my door that was the last time I turned the key as a New Orleans resident. Read more

The Bear or the Pregnant Lady Fair – Who to Help?


When women are pregnant, everyone is full of advice. Mothers, aunts coworkers, and friends are fountains of (at times, unsolicited) input and advice. Being pregnant is like being trapped in a Google search bar with someone else at the controls; beset with questions you never asked. Read more

Ten Good Things


Mondays eat the unwashed butt. Or at least that’s how it feels when the alarm goes off signifying that the weekend is officially over. I thought of a thousand reasons to stay in bed and never leave, without any great difficulty this morning. But I had to get out of bed, so instead, I came up with ten good things to get me out of bed today.

  1. Bob’s Burgers – If you haven’t watched this quirky slice of Americana, you’re losing. Bob’s droll resignation is balanced perfectly by his wife Linda’s (ever annoying) upbeat attitude about everything. Each of the kids are gems and every character adds spice to this show. Netflix binge worthy. It will also make you want a burger. Or maybe that’s just me.
  2. Obnoxious Bows – I love bows. That’s one of the things I miss since the advent of gift bags. This weekend I saw a purse with a huge pink bow and it altered my entire weekend’s trajectory.
  3. Chicken – I shouldn’t have to sell you on this.
  4. Finn Balor – He’s an Irish wrestler with a wide, smirking mouth. This is enough.
  5. Trapper Keepers – I estimate that an old school Trapper Keeper would improve my quality of life by roughly 7% (13% if it is galaxy themed).
  6. Baby High Fives – Those chubby hand slaps are stamps from the universe telling you that things aren’t so bad.
  7. Cartwheels – They’re symbols of freedom.
  8. Ballerina flats – You can wear them to work, happy hour, a date, or a street fight.
  9. Incense – They always make a house smell like a home.
  10. You – You’re made it. You could have given up in the night and no one would have blamed you, but you didn’t. Do something nice for yourself today because you’ve earned it.

That’s my list. What’s on yours?

What Do You Want to Do Today?

Productive standstills are the worst. Even when I’ve accomplished something, I always feel like I’m two steps behind, because I’m accomplishing what I intended to accomplish the day before. I survey my day by asking, “What did I do today?” My brain may tic of one or two accomplishments, then it goes into overdrive into all the things I failed to do. (Beauty Jackson – Chronic Self-Flagellator.) I had a great conversation with a friend last night and he said, “I think you need to stop coming down on yourself regarding the things you don’t do and look at the things you do.” And then I totally missed a deadline for something.


But I had an epiphany and being the helpful sort, I’m going to pass it on to you. I approach the day with no plan. I wake up, brush and wash things and places, verbally jerk off on twitter, fly out the door, then I just let God sort out the rest. I’ve already set myself up to fail that night’s “What did I do today” quiz. How can I not plan to do something, then beat myself up for not doing it, when I never once told myself that I wanted to do that thing today? (Say that shit five times fast.)

So today, I’m getting ahead of things and asking, “What do I want to do today?” I have a list:

  • Not get fired.
  • Finish this survey I’m working on before Classick kills me.
  • Finish my filing at work.
  • Not call anyone “the most annoying motherfucker this side of creation.” (You would be astonished at how difficult this is.)
  • Do one thing to help a friend.

I can literally do everything on this list (except maybe the first one, because they truly hate me and the feeling, as the prolific El Bloombito would say, esta hella mutual). So tonight, before I go to bed, I can look back at today and put it in the W column. Because your girl desperately needs one.