Usually today is the day I’d post my “Seven Songs to Save Your Life” post of the week. Unfortunately, this week, my Big Blue Monster is in town, so I haven’t felt saved. He sits on my chest whispering that it’s time to quit. He’s big, chubby, and quiet. He’s not even mean, and I don’t think he wants me to stay in bed. He just gives me all the reasons I can and should. He ultimately moves, but not without a lot of pushing and prodding from me. Then he chains himself to my arms and legs, because he doesn’t like being lonely. He walks slowly, so when he’s in town, I walk down my steps one at a time and getting to the corner feels like an eternity.
I deal not only with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but difficult memories that come with autumn. Add the stress of back-to-school time, and I’m typically a wreck from October until my birthday. I know the drill. That doesn’t make the road easier. I just know I can live through it, like I have for two decades of autumns.
For me, meds have not been particularly successful. Earlier this year, I took one drug that came with suicidal ideation. That was fun. Not reacting to the things that you think will help is an added stressor. I’m also fat, and doctors are less inclined to help fat people. (I wrote about learning that the hard way during a depressive episode here.)
It is not easy and it’s admittedly more difficult with age. So I’ve slowed everything down (or stopped in spots). I’m being an ungracious host to get myself well. I can’t stop my Big Blue Monster from showing up, but I sure can make conditions unfavorable so that he can get his ass up out of here.