The Bear or the Pregnant Lady Fair – Who to Help?

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When women are pregnant, everyone is full of advice. Mothers, aunts coworkers, and friends are fountains of (at times, unsolicited) input and advice. Being pregnant is like being trapped in a Google search bar with someone else at the controls; beset with questions you never asked. Ultimately, by the end of the first trimester, a pregnant woman has heard every version of the wrong thing. And at the top list of offenders: significant others.

Sure, you likely have the best interest of your partner and unborn child at heart, but you aren’t the one carrying the baby. Get cozy with the idea that your say during these times are intensely limited. On Twitter, I offered a few suggestions where you should speak up in effort to help your partner. Here, I will present five scenarios where, instead of offering your partner advice, you should go into the woods, seek out a grizzly, and make it your pet project until the birth of your child.

  1. Why you’re concerned: She doesn’t seem to be getting enough exercise and you’re concerned about things such as gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. Why you should help the bear: Growing babies take a lot of energy. Yes, there are moms who have always lived an active lifestyle and continue with exercises such as yoga and the like, but some women just ain’t got the five. Additionally, by the end of my first pregnancy and the latter part of the second trimester of my second pregnancy, I felt like my entire uterus was going to fall out on the corner of Canal & Burgundy. Plus all she’s likely to hear is that you’re worried about her getting fat. Help the bear.
  2. Why you’re concerned: She isn’t “taking care of herself” aesthetically like she used to and you wonder if you should mention that. Why you should help the bear: Some days, showering and brushing your teeth feel like a victory. That’s on a normal day. This goes double when you’re pregnant. Sure there are lots of fly pregnant women. That is not your lady’s ministry. Additionally, are you trying to get shot? Help the bear.
  3. Why you’re concerned: She’s gotta have it and you don’t want to hurt the baby. Why you should help the bear: If your pregnant lady has a sex drive, you are seriously doing a disservice to her and yourself by not indulging. Two words: Splash. Waterfalls. Get your snorkel and then go help the bear.
  4. Why you’re concerned: She seems like she’s getting bigger every day and she still hasn’t had the baby yet. Why you should help the bear: Boy…Help the bear.
  5. Why you’re concerned: She’s already settled on having an epidural and your mom gave birth to all five of her children naturally. Plus you’ve heard of epidural complications. If your mama could do it naturally, your child deserves that as well. Why you should help the bear: Some conversations should only take place between you and your Jesus. And when you talk to Jesus, He will tell you to shut up and help the bear. Your mama will tell you the same thing and then tell you about the time your daddy tried that on her and she dragged your precious granny’s name by the hair growing from her mole. I reiterate – help the bear.

During pregnancy, a woman considers murdering her significant other slightly less than 38 billion times. Don’t be a statistic. Your lady has likely lived a long life before meeting you, making her an expert in this staying healthy and alive business. Therefore, when you find yourself on the cusp of answering a question you weren’t asked and saying something that will cause the divine vessel of life giving energy to hold something sharp dangerously close to your brake line, stop. Consider this instead. Because the life you save just may be your own.

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